literally how i feel about presentations and finals and assignments 

happy confi baby my maria olivia colette pranantoputri!!! 💖

after rushing a project in one day... much needed 

running on 3h of sleep but woo ma homeguuuurl

12am-5am studying (yes we need help haahha)

been attempting to study hard and be more responsible in my studies (honestly i don't have a choice finals r in 15 days HAHA) but yeah idk even tho life isn't v smooth-sailing right now i don't want to make it worse by doing badly for my first sem. and we all know that's jeopardizing your whole 3 years GPA so no, not going to let that happen.

i feel that my perspective on things have changed a lot lately, not sure if that's a good thing. 

on a side note, it's been harder for me to get to school on time (or even get to school.... 😰) but i can't wait for korea in sept!!!! gna make a video diary and i can't wait hehe 

now, for the next torturous 2 weeks where i know nothing but business law and accounting and microecons.

I am sick of the way the world works. I am tired of forced smiles and unnecessary conversations. I am sick of watching my back every minute, because the people you hold close to you can be the very ones who can stick a knife in your back without battering an eyelid. I am tired of people asking me 'how are you?' because it's an question i can never quite answer. Do I say 'oh im fine and good' or do I say 'i'm feeling quite off edge today, i'm feeling a lack of purpose, some days are bad and some days are better than others?'. I am sick of watching people around me try so hard for the popularity they crave. I am tired of boys who smell good and tells you that you're pretty and breaks hearts for a living. I am sick of people around me using one another as a scratching post for their selfish desires and desperate need to curb their loneliness. 

last week was a good week because i got to see so many people i love in one day (and that's very very rare because we're all always so busy). let's hope this week would be as good a week as the last :> (even tho it's highly unlikely because so many projects and deadlines)

June

so here's the reason behind our smiles: 

me: eh don't smile eh

kim: but then if we don't smile we will look like bitches 

me: but we are what

*burst out in hysterical laughter* yeah you get the point HAHAHAH 

let's just say june have had its fair share of good and new experiences and bad and regretful ones. i had so much fun though, rekindling with old friends always has a therapeutic effect to me. i love how some things don't change, especially in a world thats constantly morphing. ( on a side note, prim if you ever see this, i miss you quite terribly :'( ) it has also been a month where i've done a lot of self-reflection (or more like beating myself up) but if anything i'm striving to constantly be happier even when it's impossible to be. 

so damn thankful for everyone around me, the few that stayed and never left. 

here's to july: a july where happiness is my priority and so is studying hard, a july where i stop and notice everything good around me, a july where i stop being so damn fucking annoyingly negative about everything.

first day of school 

- very thankful for my classmates, they never fail to make me laugh and to say they make class bearable is an understatement.

- most of my classes ended early today which i am happy about 

- bumped into my stc girls which i love love loooove. after being in a new environment and everything, sometimes you just want to fall back on people you're comfortable with, yknow? people who have seen you at both your best and at your worst and still accept you for who you are. people who you don't have to try at all - being with them is effortless.

- tried to make people's day today by telling them they look good. i don't know if it even worked because 1. they probably thought we were retarded 2. they probably thought we were kidding. but no!!!!!!!! hope they all got a little ego boost and feel good about themselves :-)

trying to swear less, hold on to the little things that keep me same. trying to survive without losing myself.

we all make mistakes but there are some mistakes that hurts more than others, that leaves a mark on your heart more than others. this is one of it - a mistake that i couldn't and wouldn't possibly forget. it hurts, it really does, especially when i lay awake at night and think about all the minuscule detail of it and every fibre of my being is begging to stop nitpicking the details and just pretend that it never happened. but here's the thing - it happened and if there's anything that i've learnt from it, is that i've learnt the hard way that above everything, i need to love myself first. i should have invested more time loving and understanding myself. 

and also, makeup is a mask that i've been trying to place on my face less. i went for camp almost makeup-less (except a really really really teeny bit of brows and lip colour that only lasted me 20 minutes) and i don't know how I did it. the truth is everything hurt so badly i couldn't care less if my brow game was weak or my eyes don't pop or i look like i haven't slept for the past century and am a living character of l4d2 or that my bare lips look like the ones of an dying 92 year old. 

wish I could be better. more confident. sweeter. nicer. kinder. funnier. i want to be all those things and i'm going to try every day. 

I don't know how I'm going to survive three years when it's only the second week of school and i have so much hatred for school building up already. I can't do this.............. studying things that I don't even enjoy. With more and more assignments building up all I can say is that I'm drowning and dying. I'm thankful for the people I have met though, they make school worth it.